


We filled up the years (and I found that I liked having someone to hold)

by Diefenbaker



Category: The Lost Future of Pepperharrow - Natasha Pulley, The Watchmaker of Filigree Street - Natasha Pulley
Genre: Comfort/Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of homophobia, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Illness, post-Pepperharrow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:26:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23836105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diefenbaker/pseuds/Diefenbaker
Summary: “Thaniel.” It was a statement, not a question, firmly anchoring them both in the present. Mori was holding Thaniel’s face like it was the most precious thing in the room, thumbs tracing his cheekbones, rasping over his late-night stubble. His dark eyes were shining in the light of the fireplace and he looked at Thaniel with the same intensity and care with which he examined a piece of clockwork in his workshop.Things aren't exactly easy these days, and Thaniel and Mori still have to figure out how to keep the ghosts of the past at bay. But what could be better for that than escaping the London fog to go on a holiday in Cornwall?Contains major spoilers for The Lost Future of Pepperharrow!
Relationships: Keita Mori & Six & Thaniel Steepleton, Keita Mori/Thaniel Steepleton
Comments: 8
Kudos: 69





	We filled up the years (and I found that I liked having someone to hold)

**Author's Note:**

> **IMPORTANT WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS for The Lost Future of Pepperharrow. Seriously, do not read this if you haven't read the sequel.**  
>    
> This is the first fic I've written in years and the first time I've written anything so explicit, so please be kind and tell me what you think! This is also the first time I am posting here on ao3, so I'm not sure whether I messed up the html - let me know if there's anything terribly wrong or hard to read!  
> (Also: English isn't my first language, so feel free to point out any mistakes so that I can fix them.)
> 
> Enjoy!

**Falmouth, Cornwall, November 1889**

“He’s late.” Six frowned and climbed onto one of the benches on the only platform of Falmouth’s train station.

Thaniel considered lifting her down, but the platform was empty except for a few other people who were waiting for the 2.30 train to arrive. No one was paying them any attention.

  
Six pulled a small silver watch from her coat pocket and took a moment to open the back lid and admire a tiny waving octopus made of minute gears. Then, carefully, she closed it and checked the clock face. It had been a birthday present from Mori and usually she was bursting with pride about it. But now, with a worried look in her eyes, she shut the front lid but kept the watch in her closed fist. “The train is already four and a half minutes late. It shouldn’t be this late. The schedule in the hall of the train station says the train will arrive at 2.30 pm sharp. And so did the telegram he sent! He promised–”

  
Before she could work herself into a full blown panic attack, Thaniel interrupted her. “Do you remember what we told you about the trains on the underground?”  
Six didn’t look at him but stood on the tips of her toes, peering along the train tracks. "That they’re sometimes late?”

  
“Yes.” Thaniel nodded. “And why are they late?”

  
“Because the conductors are too stupid to set their watches correctly.”

  
Thaniel snorted. “Yes, that’s what Mori said. But what did I say?”

  
Her grip on the watch tightened. “That the conductors have to make sure that everyone gets safely onto their train. And that sometimes they have to wait for someone or help them so that no one is being hurt.” Six’s shoulders slumped down. “And that’s why the trains are sometimes late – because they are careful to bring everyone home safe.”

  
“Yes. And this applies to every English train, whether they’re on the London underground or going to the seaside.” Thaniel took a step closer to the bench, but he didn’t touch her. They were the same height, like this. “The train will come and he’ll be on it.”

  
Six nodded solemnly. “He wouldn’t miss your birthday tomorrow.” Birthdays were very important to Six, ever since she’d been allowed to choose her own, five years ago when they’d adopted her. She still did not take her eyes off the horizon.

  
Thaniel leaned his shoulder against hers, lightly, allowing her enough space to step away if she wanted to. “We just have to be patient for a little while longer.”  
He thought back to his last birthday. Last year, Thaniel had wasted months alternating between missing Mori like crazy or feeling stupid for missing him so much. His birthday had been just another day without him, brightened only by Six’s enthusiasm and a small envelope with a Russian stamp on it. Back then he had spent every waking minute waiting for a letter, a sign, anything to fill the aching Mori-shaped hole in his chest. The hole was still there, he still missed Mori whenever they weren’t together, but the gnawing uncertainty was gone.

  
“Stand back –,” The voice of the ticket inspector interrupted his thoughts, echoing across the platform, “today’s 2.30 train – from London, King’s Cross Station – to – Falmouth – arriving on Platform One!”

  
As soon as the ticket inspector had finished speaking, a cloud of smoke billowed around a bend in the train tracks and seconds later the unmistakable rumbling of a steam train could be heard, followed by the magnificent sight of a shiny black and green engine chugging along the tracks.

  
“See? Here he comes.” Thaniel smiled and stretched out his arms to lift Six from the bench. She sidestepped his offer and jumped down. Nevertheless, Thaniel firmly placed a hand on her shoulder to keep her as far away as possible from the dangerous train tracks. “Cover your ears, petal.”

  
With a piercing whistle the train screeched to a stop, brakes hissing, steam and dust filling the air under the station roof. Thaniel covered his nose and mouth with a handkerchief but he could feel his lungs tighten painfully. Doors opened, steps were folded out and a surprisingly large crowd began pouring out, mostly workers, but despite the season already being over, some chattering tourists, eagerly handing down trunks and baskets.

  
“There he is!” Six tore free of Thaniel’s grip and ran towards a not very tall man in a grey coat, almost invisible in the dense fog filling the station. Thaniel followed her, slowly. His condition as well as public decency didn’t allow any running, no matter how much he actually wanted to. As he waited for Six to finish saying hello to Mori, he got distracted by a young woman who had also been waiting for the train and was now embracing a man in dusty overalls. It was so perfectly normal, the way they were kissing each other, right there, where everyone could see them. Thaniel couldn’t swallow.

  
Meanwhile, Mori was earnestly listening to Six’s account of her day. There were dark circles under his eyes; but he nodded at Six as he handed her a briefcase that probably contained Katsu and a selection of Mori’s tools. Six, open-mouthed, held it in front of her like a holy relict, taking careful small steps.

  
Thaniel took the small brown leather suitcase from Mori’s hand, their gloved fingers brushing. Mori shot him a grateful smile. “Hello, Thaniel.” His eyes were tired and he looked drawn, like a monochrome apparition in the swirling steam.

  
“Welcome to Falmouth, Keita.” Thaniel wished he could hold him. Instead he steered them through the remaining few people, towards the exit of the train station.

***

“I’ll wager a guinea that a seagull will steal her ice cream.” Thaniel immediately bit his tongue, but it was too late. He half hoped that the roaring waves had swallowed his words, but Mori turned his head.

  
Since their return from Japan in April, Thaniel had painfully tried to avoid mentioning anything that had to do with clairvoyance, probability or just plain old speculation about the future. Their day-to-day life had become a rollercoaster of Mori enjoying the newfound future that opened before him and him hiding away in his workshop because he was terrified of not being able to predict what would happen next. He still flinched at the sound of dice being thrown and began sweating as soon as he entered a dark room. And there was more that bothered him, memories that silently devoured him from the inside, late-night fears and awful, empty hours that he either couldn’t or wouldn’t explain to Thaniel.

  
But here at the rocky beach of Falmouth, with a pale November sun peeking out from behind the clouds, Mori was smiling at Thaniel’s challenge. “You’re on.” For the first time in months he looked solid again, grey coat hugging his still too thin frame, windswept black hair falling across his forehead. Thaniel ignored the harsh sea wind biting his lungs as he took a breath of relief. It had been a good idea, coming here.

  
In September, Mori’s old friend Merrick Tremayne had sent a letter (and an excellent parcel of sweet, dark cocoa powder) from Peru, inviting them all, Mori, Thaniel and Six, to spend the winter months at his Cornwall cottage. It had seemed too good to be true and Thaniel still wasn’t convinced that Tremayne was real. The invitation appeared like a miracle or maybe a last gift from the old Mori who had foreseen Thaniel’s struggle with the non-existent London air and their dire need for a vacation.

  
Thaniel had handed Fanshaw a letter from Doctor Haverly that attested that his lungs would combust if he didn’t spend at least half of the fog season at the sea side. Fanshaw, eager not to lose the only person who could send a decent telegram in Japanese at the Foreign Office, had pulled a few strings and now all messages from Japan were forwarded to Falmouth’s post-office, ready for Thaniel to pick up during the coming three winter months, when he would translate them, transcribe an answer and send them back. Meanwhile, Mori had busied himself with packing up their things and hiring a retired Cornish physics professor to tutor Six. He had put up a sign at the shop that simply said: On Vacation. Feel free to come back when the shop is open again. Thaniel and Six had left a day early because Mori still had some business with the royal clockmaker to sort out – but Thaniel knew that it was only part of their twisted pretence to avoid suspicion. Two men and a small girl who went on vacation together, to a tiny, barely two-bedroom cottage, were not exactly common. This way, they could at least pretend that Mori, as Tremayne’s friend, had invited them to spend Christmas there and then had spontaneously decided to join them after all. Six didn’t know that even the telegram from Mori had been planned in advance. But, Thaniel thought bitterly, scheming and hiding from the world like this seemed like an acceptable price to pay for two months at the seaside with his family.

  
On Falmouth beach, Six had one-handedly climbed the highest, mossiest rock she could find, ice cream cone in her left hand, and was now shrieking in distress. A large, silvery seagull attacked her, trying to snatch away the frozen sweet while another was attempting to land on Six’s bright red woollen hat. Thaniel considered saving his daughter but knew that she would be perfectly capable of solving the rivalry with the seagulls on her own. She was almost eleven, after all. She’d be fine.  
Not ten seconds later, one of the seagulls swooped down and snatched the treat from her hand. Six shouted in surprise and Katsu angrily waved his tentacles at the seagulls from his perch atop Six’s shoulder.

  
“You win!” Mori laughed, a bright blue sound, immediately torn away by the fierce sea wind. “Here you go.” As he pulled a coin from his coat pocket and handed it over, their fingers brushed.

  
“Thanks.” Thaniel’s throat hurt from wanting to hold Mori’s hand, right here, right now. But the beach was far from deserted, even in November. Families and a few fishermen were enjoying the late sun. Thaniel wanted to hug Mori, bury his hands in his hair and his face in his shoulder. He wanted to tell him how beautiful he looked with the ocean behind him like a stormy canvas. Gold and blue and green like an impressive old-fashioned symphony.

  
Mori’s laughter softened into a smile, crow’s feet around his eyes deepening as he saw the look in Thaniel’s eyes. He lifted his hand, as if he wanted to touch Thaniel’s cheek, but let it drop back to his side before anyone could see. “Tomorrow’s your birthday. Consider it an early present.”

  
“I will.” Thaniel tucked the guinea safely into his coat pocket. He knew that it was the same coin that he had given Mori more than six years ago, when he had been promoted to the Foreign Office, just as Mori had predicted back then. Bets for this exact guinea had become a game between them over the years and the coin had changed hands many times since that fateful day. Thaniel couldn’t remember when he’d last seen either the guinea or Mori’s genuine smile. He ran his fingers over the guinea’s smooth edges, savouring the feeling of Mori’s hand lightly touching his back as they went down to the beach to buy their daughter more ice cream.

***

Merrick Tremayne’s cottage was small but cosy. It was situated in the outskirts of Falmouth, not far from the train station but close enough to the Harbour and the rocky beach. The walls were built out of rough grey stone with white windows overlooking a tiny front garden and a path leading into the town. Now, with the sun set and darkness settled over the house, only the wind rattled the closed shutters. Thaniel felt the unease and pressure of the last few months slowly slip away as he listened to the far-off sound of waves rolling onto the beach.

  
Upstairs, it was Mori’s turn to read Six her bedtime favourite bedtime story: _The Inventions, Researches and Writings of Nikola Tesla_. Neither Mori nor Thaniel understood even half of what Six wanted them to read, but they wouldn’t have dreamt of giving up one of their favourite bedtime rituals. Six was growing up fast, but she hadn’t lost either her love for strange inventions or her fear of change; moving to Cornwall over the Christmas months had not been easy for her. Routine was now more important to her than ever, she clung to her rituals like to a lifeline and Thaniel knew that they at least had to try to keep everything as normal as possible. But she hadn’t complained about coming here; she seemed to understand that it would help Thaniel’s health to be away from London. After what had happened in Japan, she had become protective of both of them, worried and chivalrous at the same time. It made Thaniel unbelievably proud to see her stand tall and unafraid at times when she would have hidden under a table mere months ago. He gladly would have read thousands of mathematical equations to her just to make her happy.

  
He sat down at the small brown piano in the corner of the living room and experimentally tried out a few of the notes he’d seen earlier in the colours at the beach. They reminded him of Katsu: white and grey and blue, like a spray of sea. Lately, he’d begun properly writing down sheet music, not just sketching his music in colours. He was worried about not leaving anything behind, should he – should his illness get the better of him. There wasn’t much money and certainly nothing from his work at the Foreign Office, but he wanted his music to be heard and most of all, he wanted Six to have the best opportunities in life. Maybe Mori could sell the music to Gilbert and Sullivan, or some other composer, if anything were to happen. Thaniel still had the will he had scribbled before the Clan na Gael bomb should have killed him in the Home Office, all those years ago. It was hidden away in a drawer, buried beneath letters from his sister and leaflets from the opera. But he had added to it, including Six, of course, and with his heart beating loudly in his chest, Mori. It was unusual for a single man to leave custody for his daughter to his landlord. Dangerous, even. Still, Thaniel couldn’t bear the thought of letting Six go back to the workhouse or live in Scotland with his sister.  
Lost in his thoughts, he began to play, his fingers recounting their walk along the beach, a million grey pebbles, his wish to hold the hand of the man he –  
“This is beautiful.” Mori sat down on the narrow piano bench beside him. He wasn’t wearing any shoes and the sleeves of his shirt were rolled up. Thaniel lifted his fingers from the keyboard, but Mori shook his head. “No, please, don’t stop. Keep playing.”

  
Thaniel nodded and began again, but suddenly his hands were trembling, a cough rattling through his every bone. White stars imploded in front of his tightly closed eyes, the pain in his contracting lungs overpowering everything. When he had stopped coughing and just sat there for a minute, drawing ragged breath after ragged breath, Mori gently began to rub his back in soothing circles.

  
When Thaniel finally could speak again, he asked, “Is Six all right? She seemed a bit off during dinner.”

  
“Yes,” Mori’s answer seemed to come from a long way away. “She fell asleep after only half a page of that awful Tesla. I think the sea air made her tired, she’s sleeping like a log.”

  
“Good,” Thaniel tried to smile but it came out crooked. His chest felt like it had thoroughly been wrung out.

  
Mori nodded towards the two cups of tea he had placed on top of the piano. Thaniel gratefully took a sip, appreciating the feeling of the hot liquid running down his throat. The sweet burn of alcohol took him by surprise. “You made grog?” he asked, fingers wrapped around the dark brown mug.

  
“With honey and rum,” Mori answered and took a sip of his own. He immediately pulled a face and put the mug back on the piano. “This is terrible. You know how I despise brown tea, but with rum in it it’s even worse. But this is what was left in Tremayne’s pantry; we’ll have to go shopping tomorrow. I will find someone who sells some decent green tea in this town and if it’s the last thing I do -”

  
Thaniel carefully put down his mug and threaded his fingers through Mori’s hair. Mori stopped talking; he had succeeded in distracting Thaniel enough to prevent a second coughing fit. Silky black strands slipped through Thaniel’s fingers like water.

  
“I’ve wanted to do this all day,” he murmured as he leaned his head against Mori’s shoulder, tired and empty headed. They were sitting close, Thaniel slumped on the bench to lean against Mori, their thighs touching.

  
All Mori needed to do was turn his head a fraction and their lips met. They kissed, softly, leaning into each other. Warmth filled Thaniel’s head and chest. This was what he wanted, every day, for the rest of his life. He closed his eyes and blindly felt his way up to Mori’s face, pulling him closer.  
“Keita, I –” He didn’t know what he wanted to say. Half his sentences remained unfinished whenever he tried to talk about how he felt. So, instead, he buried his face in Mori’s neck, placing small kisses on the warm skin above his collar.

  
“Thaniel.” It was a statement, not a question, firmly anchoring them both in the present. Thaniel stopped kissing Mori’s neck, lifted his head and looked at him. Mori was holding Thaniel’s face like it was the most precious thing in the room, thumbs tracing his cheekbones, rasping over his late-night stubble. His dark eyes were shining in the light of the fireplace and he looked at Thaniel with the same intensity and care with which he examined a piece of clockwork in his workshop.  
With his thumb, he gently followed the curve of Thaniel’s mouth. Thaniel wanted to curl up in the rose-golden cloud of Mori saying his name and never move again. He felt Mori’s soft lips on his eyelids, on his cheekbones, along his eyebrows. Each touch sent a jolt of energy through his stomach until he couldn’t bear it any longer.

  
Thaniel reached out, running his hands down Mori’s arms while his mouth searched for Mori’s. They kissed again, hungrier this time, until Thaniel’s lungs felt like they were being shredded to pieces and he had to come up for air. Still, they didn’t break contact. Mori was cradling Thaniel’s neck with one hand, holding him close, letting their foreheads touch, his other hand firmly placed on Thaniel’s leg, his thumb drawing tiny circles on his sensitive inner thigh. Thaniel’s chest was heaving as if he had been running, his fingers fumbling with the buttons on Mori’s double-breasted vest. Finally, the buttons came loose, and he tugged out the white shirt, determined to slip his fingers underneath. His fingertips touched familiar skin, wandering over the warm chest and stomach, gliding lower and lower. Mori’s eyes fluttered shut and his forehead bumped against Thaniel’s. He moaned, a quiet burst of deep red.

  
“Thaniel, can I …” he slowly opened his eyes and looked at him. He was breathing faster too. “Can I kiss you again? Are you all right?”

  
Thaniel nodded, his chin brushing against Mori’s cheek. “Of course, Kei…” he whispered, despite his lack of breath. There was nothing in the entire universe that would be able stop him from letting Keita Mori kiss him. His lips were hot and sweet, tasting of rum and tea. Desire flooded Thaniel’s body. Suddenly the piano bench was too small, there wasn’t enough space for them both, caught up in each other as they were.

  
He pulled Mori to his feet. “Let’s…” Again, he trailed off mid-sentence, distracted by Mori’s hands under his woollen sweater, on the small of his back. Somehow, stumbling over still unknown furniture, they made it to the door of Mori’s bedroom. The room was only dimly lit by the fireplace, the bed and the dresser dark shapes under a low ceiling.

  
Mori tensed and all of a sudden what had driven them here vanished. Thaniel was painfully aware of how long it had been since the last time they had spent the night together.

  
Sure, there had been kisses, heavy and heated, leaving them both breathless; or long and careful. Both kinds clearly said yes, I meant what I told you in Tokyo, yes, of course I’m in love with you, you fool, can’t you see? And sometimes, when Six was at school or spent the afternoon with Mrs. Osei, there had been stolen moments to relieve the tension of a long day or to end an argument between them. Moments that were unexpected and fumbling, and over way too soon. Just like a second ago, on the piano bench. Moments that left Thaniel’s heart racing and his body aching for a full night with Mori in his arms, for tea and tired kisses in the morning.

  
But ever since their return from Japan, they both had their demons to fight. Mori, who was now unable to sit, let alone sleep, in a dark room, was constantly plagued by nightmares and flashbacks to threats that had been intended but not carried out, always leaving him with the anticipation of a blow that was never to come. Almost every night he woke, drenched in sweat, unable to go to sleep again because he worried himself sick about a future he couldn’t see anymore. More often than not, Thaniel woke in the early morning hours and found him sitting hunched over a cup of tea and a piece of clockwork in the kitchen, not working, just staring into the distance, dark circles deepening under his eyes. It didn’t help that Thaniel spend most of these nights coughing his lungs out, not managing to get in more than half an hour of sleep before the knot in his chest woke him again for another round. They were both wrecks, physically and emotionally, and somehow the sleepless nights and constant apologies to each other had led to them sleeping in separate rooms again.

  
A dreadful feeling descended over Thaniel. It was selfish, the way he had wanted this evening to be different, to be special, finally after all these months. Mori deserved a goodnight’s sleep, undisturbed by Thaniel’s coughing, especially after the long day he’d had.

  
Hesitantly, Thaniel pulled away, taking Mori’s hands into his own. “Goodnight.” The unmistakable scent of lemon soap lured him in again as always and made him lean down to place a gentle kiss on Mori’s cheek. “Sleep well.” Thaniel let go of Mori’s hands and turned away. He half waited for Mori to call after him, but Mori only nodded and remained silent, obviously relieved to spend the night alone. He closed the door to his bedroom, leaving Thaniel in the hallway. It was sensible, really, that they didn’t sleep in the same room.

  
Thaniel was determined to lie down on the slightly lumpy couch in the living room he had yesterday insisted on sleeping on, letting Six and Mori take the only two bedrooms of the cottage. He slipped off his shoes, socks and sweater and untucked his shirt before he padded over to the candle that still burned on the table. He was about to blow it out and change into his nightshirt when he heard a muffled noise from Mori’s bedroom.

  
At home, in Filigree Street, Six had graciously given Mori one of her lightbulbs and had connected it with a long electrical wire to the generator in her attic room. It burned every night in Mori’s bedroom at home, helping him close his eyes and sleep for a few hours each night. But here, in the cottage, there was no electricity, no lightbulb and only about three candlesticks in total and therefore – the sudden realisation shook Thaniel wide awake: there was no light in Mori’s room.  
How could he have been so stupid? He cursed under his breath, as he grabbed the candlestick. _You damned dimwit, he’s afraid of the dark and you leave him alone and congratulate yourself for it? After all this time? This is a record, even for you, Steepleton, you dumb fuck._

  
Quickly, he crossed the living room and knocked with his free hand on Mori’s door. “Keita? Can I come in?”

  
No answer. Thaniel didn’t hesitate for a second. “I’m coming in.”

  
He opened the door. Mori was curled up on the counterpane of the double bed, facing the door, a small shadow in a room filled with bigger shadows. Thaniel took the glass cylinder off an oil lamp on the bedside table and used the candle to light the wick. A warm yellow glow filled the room, forcing the shadows back into the corners. Mori was pale and his hands were shaking as he cradled them close to his chest. There was no sign that he noticed the light; his eyes were focused on a far-off place, searching for an unattainable future.

  
Thaniel closed the door and knelt beside the bed. The mattress dipped as he leaned on it, chin resting on his arms, only a few inches away from Mori’s paralysed body.

  
“It’s me.” Thaniel tried to put as much reassurance as possible into his voice. “Come back to me, Keita.” There was no sign that Mori acknowledged his presence. “I’m here. I’m waiting for you.” Quietly, Thaniel began to hum the melody he had played earlier. Salty grey and washed-out blue notes filled the room, dimmed by his low voice.

  
Mori’s gaze flickered, following the movements of no-longer-existent ghosts behind Thaniel’s shoulder. When he spoke, the words were nothing but a dry whisper in Japanese. “Can you … can you look at my hands? I think they might be … broken.”

  
“Of course.” Thaniel answered in English, determined to remind Mori of the present. He struggled to keep his voice even. Seeing Mori, who usually carried himself with such grace, like this, tormented by memories of people intending to break his fingers in the dark, made Thaniel want kick someone in the face. A certain Japanese ex-Prime minister, to be exact.

  
Humming again, he carefully pulled Mori’s hands free and ran his own fingers over every joint, over the thin lines and calloused skin, over scarred marks from years spent etching and adjusting the tiniest cogs in the world. “There’s nothing wrong with your hands.” He bent over Mori’s left hand and kissed every fingertip. “They’re not broken. They are lovely.” He turned both of Mori’s hands over and placed a gentle kiss in each open palm. He put his mouth against the soft skin on his right wrist until he could feel Mori’s racing pulse slow down against his lips. He kissed his way up to Mori’s right elbow and stopped only because he was suddenly pulled into a tight hug, his head buried in Mori’s shirt.

  
They rested like this for what felt like an eternity, Mori taking deep breaths and Thaniel listening to Mori’s heartbeat. It was beating a reassuring pattern, deep blue and steady.

  
“Thaniel,” Mori whispered into his hair, still in Japanese, voice breaking. “Please. I can’t bear it any longer.”

  
“I know,” Thaniel closed his eyes, heart thudding in his throat and began pulling away, “it’s not –”

  
“Please,” Mori interrupted him and pulled him even closer, crushing the collar of Thaniel’s shirt. “Don’t leave. Stay here.”  
“But –”

  
“I know you’re trying to come up with reasons not to and I know that it’s not sensible, but I don’t care. I’d rather have a sleepless night with you than without you.” Abruptly, Mori sat up and pulled Thaniel up from where he had been crouching in front of the bed. His fingers brushed the tips of Thaniel’s ears as he gingerly took his face into his hands. “Please, stay.”

  
“I –” Thaniel was at a loss for words, relief making him light-headed. There was nothing but hope in Mori’s dark eyes. “Yes. Yes, of course I’ll stay.”

  
“Good.” Mori smiled and took him by the shoulders, running his hands down his arms, to his waist where he began unbuttoning Thaniel’s shirt.

  
This was going too fast. Mori’s usual straightforwardness now seemed forced, too urgent after what had just happened to him. Thaniel felt uneasy guilt boil in his stomach. He stopped him, taking him by the wrists.

  
He held Mori’s hands in his own. “You don’t … We don’t have to…” he groped for words, “I don’t need any of that if you’re not ready. I’ll be happy just to stay the night – every night – without …” He gestured between them and upon seeing Mori’s raised eyebrow, gave up with a sigh. “You must be tired. You had a long day.”  
“Of course I am tired.” Mori interlaced their fingers, looking him straight in the eye. “And so are you. But I missed you. And I just felt awful but you made me feel better. You always do. And I want to be as close to you as possible, so please, let me do this for you.”

  
Thaniel frowned. Mori pressed a quick kiss to the corner of his mouth and corrected himself. “ _With_ you. Together. Whatever you like.”

  
He waited for a reaction. Thaniel searched his face again, but there was not even a hint of doubt. Finally, Thaniel nodded, shoulders relaxing.

  
Mori squeezed his hand before he let go; he began undoing the buttons of Thaniel’s shirt, one by one, warm fingers grazing the skin on his chest. He slipped the shirt off his shoulders, only breaking eye contact to begin working on Thaniel’s trousers.

  
Mori’s touch was almost imperceptible through the thick woven fabric, but Thaniel’s body reacted immediately. Blushing, he stepped out of the trousers pooling around his ankles.

  
Mori shot him a mischievous smile and shrugged out of his vest, shirt, trousers, socks and drawers, showing no sign of English prudery. He was still a bit too thin and his shoulders were hunched protectively over his body, but in the warm light of the lamp, Mori’s skin almost shone the same shade of gold as his voice. Thaniel couldn’t look away. Usually he’d have felt too big for the room, standing there only in his drawers and both broader and taller than Mori, but he was pulled under the covers before he could think about it.

  
For a minute they just lay there, facing each other, breathing the same air, Thaniel’s fingers tangled in Mori’s black hair again, Mori’s head resting against his chest.  
For what felt like the first time today, Thaniel found the right words. “I missed you too, you know.”

  
Mori looked at him and laughed, a genuine laugh of surprise, light blue and teal. “I’m glad to hear that.”

  
Thaniel noticed that he had finally switched back into English, his voice full and bright. Mori began to stroke Thaniel’s back, slowly, deliberately, hands travelling down his side, fingertips slipping under the waistband of Thaniel’s drawers. The familiar feeling of Mori’s hands on his skin made him shiver; he pressed a kiss to Mori’s temple and buried his nose in his feathery dark hair. Then, arching his hips, Thaniel turned onto his back and let Mori loosen the drawstrings and slip the drawers down and off. The sudden rush of cool air as the covers slid away made the fine hair on his stomach and chest stand up. Mori was working his way from the end of the bed up again, placing soft, wet kisses on the inside of his thighs, making shivers run down Thaniel’s spine. Involuntarily, his hips bucked as Mori’ mouth got closer to his lap.

  
“Sorry, I –”

  
“It’s all right.” Thaniel could feel Mori’s words, tickling against his sensitive, pulsing skin. “I’ve got you. Just breathe.”

  
Mori pinned him down, thumbs firmly placed in the dimples on his hip bones before he lowered his head again. A strangled moan escaped Thaniel’s lips as Mori took him into his mouth. Already hard and throbbing, he got lost in the wet, hot movement of Mori’s lips, his tongue; there was nothing but pleasure as he slowly, instinctively began moving his hips in time with Mori’s rhythm. He had to dig his fingers into the sheets to keep from arching his hips too much as Mori shot him a look, eyes wide open, lips swollen and red. The sight made Thaniel dizzy. Mori began tracing an intricate pattern with his tongue before he took him into his mouth again, deeply, lovingly. Thaniel’s eyes fluttered shut; there was only Mori’s mouth, Mori’s firm grip on his hips and his low gasps whenever he came up for air, quick and purple behind Thaniel’s eyelids. Thaniel’s body trembled and shook. Another flicker of Mori’s tongue and Thaniel could feel the moment of release coiling in his stomach; blindly he grabbed Mori’s wrist, pulled him up again, closer, close enough to kiss him, messily, fingers digging into Mori’s back as his head fell back and he almost bit Mori’s lower lip, tasting bitter salt and fresh sweat as he moaned Mori’s name against his mouth, over and over again until he silently cried out, wave after wave of burning red rolling over him.

  
Panting, breath rasping through his lungs, he fell back into the pillows, the reassuring weight of Mori on top of him, holding him, saying his name, rooting him to the bed before he could float off to space.

  
When he was able to gather his thoughts again, and the expected coughing fit didn’t happen, he opened his eyes and pulled Mori’s face close, kissing him on the swollen lips, on the tip of his nose, on his eyelids.

  
Still, he couldn’t help but notice how their legs were intertwined, every possible inch of skin touching, setting his nerve endings on fire again. He was also very aware of how Mori was resting against his leg, hard and ready, without so much as asking for release in return. Thaniel knew that he was in no condition to reciprocate what Mori had just done for him, but he could find other ways that wouldn’t involve losing his breath quite so much. Gently, he pushed Mori back against the mattress, pausing to admire the sight. It was a rare moment, seeing him so at ease in his own skin; he was stretched out on the sheets, hair dishevelled and sweaty, legs falling open, revealing in full view that he wasn’t quite as relaxed as he tried to appear.

  
Thaniel grinned when he caught a curious glint in Mori’s eyes, waiting to see what would happen next. He decided to continue his earlier journey, placing open-mouthed kisses up Mori’s arm. The tip of his tongue trailed along Mori’s delicate collar bones. Goose bumps appeared on Mori’s chest as Thaniel licked a drop of sweat from the hollow beneath his Adam’s apple. A low moan, burgundy red, escaped Mori’s mouth as Thaniel took a moment to press his lips against his throat, just beneath his right ear, tasting the pulse that beat a staccato under his warm skin. Meanwhile, Thaniel let his hands glide over Mori’s chest, mapping every hollow, every mound. As before, it came as a surprise to him that Mori was not as delicate as he looked; he was solid beneath Thaniel as he knelt over him, his thighs holding Mori’s hips firmly in place. When Thaniel wrapped his long fingers around the heavy, hard length between Mori’s legs, already slippery and throbbing, Mori gasped. It seemed like a miracle, the way he responded to Thaniel’s touch as he had done so many times before, leaning into him, thrusting into his fingers. He reached up and pulled Thaniel in for a kiss, urgent, his breath now only coming in bursts. Thaniel pushed him back down into the mattress, pressing their interlaced fingers into the pillows. Holding his heated gaze, Thaniel began stroking Mori; drawing more gasps and moans from him as he slowly, gently sped up the movement. With his free hand, Mori grabbed Thaniel’s wrist, guiding him lower, setting the pace and pushing up until he had to let go, he dug his fingers into Thaniel’s shoulder blades, caught up in the moment, panting Thaniel’s name under his breath. Hearing his own name like this, filled with nothing but love and desire, made Thaniel’s knees buckle, he couldn’t hold himself above Mori any longer, his body collapsing as Mori’s arched up, they met in the middle; their hands still interlaced, Thaniel wrapped his free arm around Mori’s back, he cradled Mori’s head to his chest as Mori came, his whole body shaking, their hips rocking into each other. Mori cried out in a deep, shimmering shade of gold, muffled against Thaniel’s shoulder.

  
Together, wrapped up in each other, they fell back onto the bed. Thaniel reached out and pulled the covers over them, savouring the warm glow in his chest, the feeling of Mori’s fingers in his, the scent of lemon on his skin. He was deliriously happy.

  
The clock in the hallway began striking the time.

  
“Happy Birthday, Thaniel.” Sleepy words, whispered against the warm skin on Thaniel’s shoulder. Thaniel tightened his arm around Mori’s waist and closed his eyes, falling asleep before the last stroke sounded midnight.

***

Thaniel woke up, bleary and yawning. It had been a short night, disrupted by at least two of his coughing fits. Each time, Mori had woken up too. Without complaining he had fetched him a glass of water and rubbed soothing circles into his back as Thaniel had sat on the edge of the bed, doubled over with pain.  
But now the seagulls were laughing outside, announcing the start of a new day even though not a hint of daylight came through the shutters. Thaniel felt good. He relished the warmth of Mori’s back pressed against his chest, the familiar shape of his body fitting perfectly into Thaniel’s. He was still asleep, breathing deeply, his chest rising and falling under Thaniel’s splayed out fingers.

  
Careful not to wake him, Thaniel slid out from under the covers and put on yesterday’s rumpled shirt before he opened the door and padded through the silent hallway into the kitchen. He put on the kettle and, just a moment before it began to sing, managed to pour two cups of strong brown tea. He added cream and two lumps of sugar for Mori, to cover the taste.

  
He took the cups back to the bedroom, closed the door again and placed them on the nightstand. The window creaked as he pushed it up to open the shutters. It was a bleak, cold morning; nothing moved in the small back garden of their cottage. In the bedroom, Mori stirred. Thaniel doused the still burning oil lamp so that only the grey, foggy morning light filled the room. Mori was a mess of blurred shadows and light angles, black and white like a movement in D minor. He rolled onto his back, hair tousled, his limbs soft from sleep, eyes barely open.

  
“Morning, Kei.” Thaniel crawled under the covers again, sitting with his back against the headboard, cold feet pressing against Mori’s legs as he leaned over to reach his cup of tea.

  
“Good morning.” Mori’s face was buried half in Thaniel’s shirt and half in the pillows. His voice was raspy and deep, a good two shades darker than usual.  
Thaniel offered him a sip of his tea as Mori did not seem particularly inclined to turn over again and drink from his own cup.

  
“This is ghastly.” He grimaced before he smiled sleepily at Thaniel. “But I appreciate the sentiment.”

  
Thaniel couldn’t resist kissing the frown off his face. “I’ll ask Fanshaw to send us some green tea, he owes me anyways.”

  
“You’re an angel. But please never mention Fanshaw to me ever again within thirty seconds of waking up.”  
Thaniel grinned. “I won’t.”  
“Good.” Mori slowly sat up, rubbing his face and pushing his hair out of his eyes. “So. What’s the plan for your birthday?”

  
“I, uh, I actually didn’t have any plans in mind. I thought maybe we could just –” He paused.

  
“Just… what?” Mori teased, now more awake. “Come on, spit it out.”

  
“Just…” Thaniel set down his cup and took a deep breath. Somehow, looking Mori in the eyes made it harder to say what had been preying on his mind for months. He did it anyways. He owed Mori this. “I thought maybe we could just spend the day, together. As a family. You and Six and I. I know that we’ll never have a normal day in our lives and I’m glad about it. I wouldn’t change a thing about it.”

  
Mori’s gaze softened as he shook his head. “Neither would I.”

  
“And I know that it’s not fair to ask this of you when you – when you haven’t been feeling well for months,” Thaniel clenched and unclenched his fists, “and I know that we’ll never be normal. We’ll never hold hands in public or go dancing or even go on a bloody holiday together like other people do. But I want you to know how much I need you and that I am not ashamed of you. I want all of this, always, with you. I would kiss you in front of the whole world if I weren’t so damn afraid that someone would see and report us and rip us apart. But maybe we can have this day, here. And I’ll try to stop worrying for a single day, and just enjoy being here, together, with you and our daughter, as a family.”

  
Thaniel had to swallow before he continued. “And maybe you will like it, too. Maybe today can be a flare. A day to remind us of what’s important, right here, right now.”

  
Mori loosened Thaniel’s grip on the sheets. He pulled Thaniel’s face down and pressed a gentle kiss to his eyelashes. His lips came away salty and wet. “That sounds like a wonderful birthday plan.” He was smiling as he nudged Thaniel’s shoulder. “But it’s November – so how do you feel about wearing three sweaters on top of each other and taking every blanket we can find and then have a picnic at the beach for lunch? And maybe we should take a lantern, too, just in case the awful English sun decides to stay as invisible as it is right now?”

  
Thaniel looked at him. There was a lump in his throat, but his chest felt strangely light. “I just love you so much, you know?”

  
Mori tilted his head up and kissed Thaniel’s throat, right where all the longing was located. “I love you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Some things you should know:  
> The title is from the Steven Wilson's song "The Watchmaker".  
> All characters belong to Natasha Pulley.  
> Apparently, Falmouth was a pretty popular town for tourism in the 18th century because it had a railway station. I googled lots of images! But other than that, I know very little about Cornwall and this lovely town.
> 
> Leave me a comment, maybe?


End file.
